difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Stand up for what you believe in. Youre mean to not want to go there. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. I have my dignity-you are correct. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Im doing pretty well. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. and not actually to feel any better. Wtf. Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. It does get better with NC, really it does. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. Grace answered beautifully. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. Flush this man from your life. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. %%EOF Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! You are not doing that, you are just not willing to give her an opportunity to continue to her nastiness to you. Learn. Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you, Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. pull the focus back on you.) This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. I also dont think asses make good friend material. If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! But now they seem different, rebilitated. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. Dont make excuses for this idiot! It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. endstream endobj startxref Narc with more baggage than an airport. Remorse? If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. I deal with this a lot. . She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Fewer symptoms of depression. Its natural to miss your ex but you have to believe you can do so much better than someone who does not want a relationship. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). The Golden Rule. Similarities Between The Dog That Bit People And The | Bartleby Hes very good at what he does and I admire that, so I figured he was a good guy, which I know isnt always true. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . Thank you. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Doormatwhat a lousy situation. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. Forgiveness is an act of faith. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. THANK YOU! Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). Im sorry for you too. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Cant say I get no bites at all, now! Yeah, right. They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. It was not a playful act, its who he was. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. You hit the nail on the head. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. I hope these help. CC, I just read your comment. Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. That just comes with time and distance. :p Do you mean the difference between letting go of sin but not the sinner (as we would a friend who sincerely apologizes) and letting go of both the sin and the sinner (as we would an abuser who shows no remorse)? I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. Text book I tell you. these are the effs I do not give. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. There's nothing wrong with holding grudges : r/unpopularopinion - reddit Thank you. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. A stronger immune system. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. I have a mother like that too! Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. Its a set up! The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. i know I am a jackass. Revolution Christianity teaches that we DO need to forgive our enemies. Grind vs. Hustle: A Simple Guide To Telling The Difference - Forbes What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. He replied were not over. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. Click here for an email preview. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. I appreciate your imput. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Theyre either in or theyre out! You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. I hope youre doing great!! He just kept saying we could get together and talk. NC is brilliant. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. Sign up for notifications from Insider! I was a sobbing messat workbecause she left the message at 9:00 a.m. on a work dayknowing I would listen to the message at work. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. A person who says hes not ready for a relationship then goes back to the dating website does not know what he wants, but its sure to be an emotional bufferhe wants a woman who he can use as a sponge to absorb all of his pain and issues. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! . PDF Letting Go of Grudges - Between Sessions Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. Thanks for your well thought out post. I am only 3 weeks into NC with my 2 year relationship. It will be different. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. Vindication? Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. the person who told you that is wrong. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. Im either totally into a man with all of my being, or Im totally out. resentment noun. Please trust yourself. Its fire, not the moon! I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Improved heart health. Grudges are a form of punishment. thts it. Theres a contingency there. The first two differences is the use of satire. I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. 100%. today I can say I have learned how to communincate with her and how to communicate with myself to not fall into feeling like nothing as you pointed out. So need this. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". Unsubscribe at any time. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. Good luck. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. It focuses on the wrong thing. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. This happened a few times several years ago. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. Grudges are a form of punishment. I really like this guy. so I dropped him. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary - Scary Mommy Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Its always uplifting for us all to hear stories of victory and healing. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Go to re-hab, start seeing a light at tbe end of the tunnel. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Why should it be any different w people? Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. Beautiful, Sparkle! Hey, Im working on it. Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. *Get a journal. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. Why People Hold Grudges and What to Do About Them Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? Let the Dam Break! Holding a Grudge vs. Allowing Forgiveness ;)). Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. Wanted to see whats going on. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. But he didnt make chumps. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. I dont forget. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. Hell, no! The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. Or immature? But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. You will feel the difference. Additionally, most individuals learn these habits as adolescents. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. surprise surprise. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. What you said struck a chord with me, that you can engage superficially with an EU romantic prospect but keep them at arms length. . Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me.

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