If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. To give the LW the tools she needs to see if this is something she can work through to save her marriage and save her career. What the hell? Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? They live there with partners and children, even! My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. This is about control. They have to want to change. Walking to work? Honestly, it feels awful. So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Do you want to go? If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. They all suggest you turn off your phone because thats what their friends do when they are speed-texting their anxiety. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. I mean, we really cant say from the letter which it is, but its so easy to read into it either anxiety or controlling/toxic depending on what weve personally experienced. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationguinness irish stew slow cooker. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Might I suggest Hotwire? Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! Normal For Husband to Vacation Without Me? - FatherResource husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. My own brain is like that. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. Because of that, my parents said I can bring a friend. This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. It can be; it can also be a culture that has different views on whats important in a relationship. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. OP, you should look at this exclusively as a problem your husband has, not a problem with work or the relationship. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. I second counseling. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. Everyone else said she deserved it! If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. with his friends, not you. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. He easily sleeps 4 hours. But not the end of the world. Next, things you can do. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! It comes across as so controlling. I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. Period. <3. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. Life is short. This is great, Anon Poster. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. (The sales guy told her, its just like any other dance show, but at half the price and without the headdress! I recognized the name and tried to talk her out of it, but she believed the sales guy over me.) I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. Display any widget here. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. My boyfriend used to freak out every time I had to travel for work. as an excuse for his angst. Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. Pricey, but worth it! If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. Im going to a conference there in November for in-depth training on our electronic medical records system (not exactly a party subject! Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. I agree. Yup, agreed. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. I was thinking the same thing. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? She is not the nicest mother in law, either. He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. and a lot to it more than the Strip. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. Oh dear. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. In either case though, go on the trip. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. Exactly this. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Same! Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. . My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! And that now his family isdisappointed inme. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. Same here. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. OP, I feel for you and your husband. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. Why wont he go on the trip with you? I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. I should also note. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world.
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